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Episode I

LandoCalrissian uses his wily charms to seduce Bela Nix, Jabba the Hutt's chief accountant, into revealing the access codes for the infamous gangster's personal database of trusted bounty hunters. C-3P0 and R2-D2 infiltrate the computer headquarters of the Hutt crime syndicate with the assistance of a Rebel operative who just happens to be named Sy Snootles, and use the stolen codes to access the database and insert false information about Illah Und, constructing a history as an effective, ruthless, and discrete bounty hunter from the outer rim. During their escape, Snootles is captured, but destroys the Hutt's fleet of parked spaceships in the process.

PrincessLeia then obtains an audience before Jabba as Illah Und, where she presents him with the keys to the Millenium Falcon, in order to endear herself to him an obtain an invite to the Don't Stiff Jabba Day festivities. At the party, Sy Snootles is forced to fight terrified musician Max Reebo while the two are electro-chained. Threepio sets off the thermal detonators hidden in the wine while Leia flips a skimmer over, dumping a load of bad guys into the Sarlac monster and Lando starts shooting. Threepio secures the still carbon-frozen Han while Snootles strangles Jabba and Leia picks up everyone off the barge. During the escape, extras a are slain left and right while Leia uses some mighty fancy shooting to take out the barge's deck guns, followed by Jabba himself and the barge's cooling systems, blowing up everything. The heroes make it to the perfectly positioned MilleniumFalcon, which Artoo has all warmed up for their final escape.

Episode II

The heroes make it into orbit only to find an Imperial StarDestroyer waiting with a platoon of TieFighters? which demand that the MilleniumFalcon allow them to board in an alleged search for contraband cargo. Refusing on the grounds of a dangerous reactor leak, Leia and Lando leap into the gunner's seats while a half-blind, groggy Han is set to flying. The latter turns out to be a mistake, leading to the loss of engine power and the subsequent tractoring of the ship and capture of its crew.

On board the StarDestroyer, the heroes are recognized, and none other than Luke shows up, going by the name Deak Starkiller and singing the praises of selling out to the Empire. After some attempts to convince the heroes to join his side, which they of course rebuff (with a little noble urging from Leia), he throws Sy Snootles against an impaling-spike for no good reason, then storms off. The heroes are shipped to Kessel, where they are thrown down a dark hole into the spider-infested spice mines.

In the mines they establish their position relative to the hierarchy of prisoners and set off into the tunnels with the help of a prisoner named Vin Diesel, who is overjoyed to find a droid that speaks Furyan. When they find the webs, Leia accidentally inhales the hallugenice spice, which awakens her latent for powers. In a haze, she tries to frighten off the spiders, but they only bring back more, and she emits a psychic cry for help while running off and getting lost in the tunnels. The others fight the spiders, but Vin Diesel falls down a shaft to his doom.

Unbeknownst to all, Leia's scream is heard by Jedi elder MaceWindu, who has been lurking in the tunnels for ages. Unsheathing his pimpingly purple light saber, he cuts a swath of destruction through the spiders to rescue the paralytically captive princess. The others arrive and are astonished to find a Jedi master, as, in turn, are the prisoners. Plans for escape are laid and a training montage ensues.

Episode III

The heroes wait for the next time the hatch to the pit opens, and then attack. Lots of mooks die, and the warden is captured. The millenium falcon has been turned into a garbage scow without engines, but there's a short-range transport they can use to go the secret base on the other side of the planet where Project Nexus is being assembled, in an attempt to reunite the two sides of the Force and make Luke its immortal avatar incarnate.

Episode IV

The heroes travel to the base and sneak in using an old imperial code. Leia goes to the mess hall and starts a fight by insulting Bantha jerky in front of a Tatooinian. Han and Lando go the engineering bay and get some power converters. Han grabs the old reliable 1000 series, while Lando demands the more potent but less tested 3000 series. Artoo and Threepio hack the base computer to download some plans and set off some alarms. As a result, the base defenses release three killer robots, which get exploded fairly fast.

The heroes escape and fix the MilleniumFalcon, then head to the giant Force lens that Luke is using to take control of the Force. We arrive just after the nick of time and get mind-controlled, except for Artoo. Everything looks grim and we're screwed.

Episode V

Artoo passes out spice-gem headbands, suppressing the field and freeing everyone. Leia heads to Luke's chamber openly, while Mace Windu sneaks along, and the others board the Executor.

Leia talks to Luke, refusing his offer and bashing him in the head with the gem, breaking his hold on the Force, while Mace deactivates the crystal's defenses and the others try to take over the ship's guns on the Executor. Leia and Luke battle, Mace Windu slays mooks, and Han and Lando meet an enraged, mind-controlled Chewbacca. Leia destroys the chamber, dumping out Luke, who detonates a bomb, killing him and Mace. Chewie kicks some ass. Leia battles with succumbing to the Dark Side as the ghosts of Mace and Luke pull at her, and others blow up even more stuff. Leia narrowly avoids falling, breaks Luke's former brainwashing, escapes just before the others obliterate the crystal station with lots and lots of guns. All is well in the universe, and Han wins both the Executor and the Millennium Falcon from Lando.

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Last edited February 8, 2005 10:42 pm by Andres (diff)